Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Confidence.

Confidence is something that I struggle with a lot sometimes, and a lot of people around me wouldn't know it. It has always been very important to me that I appear strong even when I am not feeling so strong, because in many ways I have an unhealthy pride about appearances, don't know where I got that from, which really gets me uptight sometimes. I write for the fun but I also have a comfort zone that I have trouble getting out of sometimes, and I did it last week. I write a Naruto fanfiction which a lot of people laugh at me for, and I used to struggle with that until I realized something: I had fun writing it, in many ways I am proud of what I had created, and other people really don't matter. No matter how great of a writer you are, a lot of people won't like your work, and as I've matured ever so slightly, I've accepted that. Back on point, I wrote this very long battle scene between two characters that lasted several pages and that is a kind of situation I don't often write about, and I was feeling oh so nervous about it. But so far, everyone who has read it says it is very enjoyable and it makes me think about how confidence is earned. I think nervousness is a state of mind where I thrive, I have a finer eye for the details and a refusal to accept failure from myself. It makes me think sometimes if I would be better off revealing more of myself, how vulnerable I feel, and if perhaps by doing so I'd thrive in situations outside of writing. Just a stray thought that passed my mind.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Discussion about writing w/ a poker update.

Spoilers, I lost a lot of the money that I had earned, mostly just down trending bad luck, I learned a lot though and set aside my original investment, so nothing much was lost, aside from pride and profit.

I was discussing with a friend today the importance of keeping yourself grounded as a writer and to realize the limitations of your ability, because only by understanding your shortcomings can you overcome that, a lesson I have had to learn often, even when it was a bitter pill to swallow. I bring this up because late at night I will often find myself unable to sleep, and this will lead me to try to read some fanfiction to make me fall asleep or simply to pass the time. I actually find some fanfiction enjoyable, I am a sucker for things that are easy to read and I have written one myself, although it is so far off from anything related to the source I tend not to be bothered by the usual readers of fanfiction. Back to my point: It has always bothered me when a writer will talk about the original author in a fanfic as if they made terrible mistakes and they could correct them. No disclaimer should ever have "I don't own harry potter, but boy if I did I'd make all these changes, like making sure everyone who died live!" and then go on to write a terribly written story. I admit, perhaps I am a bit crazy for expecting anything at all from fanfiction, but if your work is humble in its ability you yourself should be humble, I think.

Yeah, that's not exactly anything important, but it came to my mind and hey, I have a blog that absolutely no one reads, so I might as well just rant about it a little bit instead of mumbling to myself.

- Chris

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Online Poker, and Gambling.

I gamble too much, something I don't think about too much when I have won 200 dollars in the past day. I think it is one of my greater flaws, I need the rush of gambling and I do it over very minor things. I don't think I am either the worst nor the most addicted, but I got a paycheck in yesterday and decided "Hey, forty bucks of this should go to gambling instead of other stuff that I might need" and this time it worked out, but often times my poker luck isn't nearly as good and it doesn't work out. Although, like anything else, I think it is about self-control more than anything else. After I won 165 last night I decided that I am going to better pace myself and try to keep building off of this, because frankly it'd be nice to be able to freeroll my habit for awhile from this money, and who knows, I might actually win a lot of money in a big tournament, but the thing I have to keep up is this self-sustaining bankroll. I win every now and then, I just have to make the losses matter less, and to do that I need to risk less money at one time.

I'll let you know how that works out.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Not so happy New Year.

Well, today sucks. We are renting this nice house and we have been here for a couple of months now, and everything was fine until the owner informs us that because a family member decided to move in to the "mother-in-law" suite next door, that she gets to charge them the same that the other people were paying (this makes sense) but we have to pay the whole electric bill while before when there were random people living there she cut us a check for 33% of the total bill because we weren't responsible for that part, but now she claims it is because "we are family", which makes no sense because if she noted we were family how about she just put it into contract, or rework it so that she is not obviously making more money just because we are family. So, long story short, we are moving. This makes me very, very angry, because I love this house to death. It is burnt orange, my favorite color, and I just really started to feel comfortable here recently. It just really sucks, because this is total bullshit, everyone knows it is total bullshit, and it isn't as if we can just put up with it, so it is very, very likely we are moving. I know we will find a nice place, maybe even a nicer place, I am just upset because god damnit, I really like this place. So today isn't exactly the start to the new year that I would have liked.

On a better front, my mom is doing much better and her leg is returning to normal, so I suppose I should put stuff like having to move again in perspective, it isn't the end of the world, but it does suck.

- Chris